(2005-02-21)
The Crazy List of Randomly Stupid Fanfiction
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So I went hunting around, and, um, yeah...
Name of story: The Greatest Aragorn/Boromir slash fic ever
Category: Lord of the Rings
Rating: Can't remember...R, probably? Or PG-13.
Story:
Aragorn jumped Boromir. They had rough sex. The End.
Name of story: Dismantling Trigun Fanfiction
Category: Trigun, OBVIOUSLY
Rating: PG-13
Story:
Once upon a time, there was an outlaw named Vash, who had spiky blonde hair and eyes that were either green or blue. No official word had been decided on the eye color, as many wars were fought for many years among the Fangirls, a fierce tribe who worshipped Vash as an idol god, over this case and neither side has won yet. (Though, incidentally, they’re green. Bluish, yes, but they’re green.)
This outlaw was walking through the desert one day on his way to a city when he met a girl.
She was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen. She had hair of silk and satin and velvet and shiny, pretty ribbons all mixed together that was the blondest blonde ever, and was more blonde than Knives’ blonde (which really ticked him off) and shimmered in the sun like glitter and gold and sparkles. Lots of sparkles.
And her eyes were diamonds, or rubies, or sapphires, or onyxes, or some kind of expensive rock that’s pretty and also glitters. Lots more sparkles.
Then she smiled at him and he was blinded by the radioactive white gleam that came from her teeth, and she walked up to him and she said, “Vash, my name is Mary. I’m a plant just like you, and I know everything about what we are and who you are and who Knives is and wow, look at my breasts.”
And then she shook her heaving breasts, and Vash admired her rack at great length.
“Anyway,” she continued, “I am here to tell you everything you don’t know about our species and to tell you how to make Knives good again and to make the planet fertile and beautiful and make everything perfect and peachy keen.”
Vash thought this was splendid.
“Also, I was a child that Rem cared for just like you even though it doesn’t fit in anywhere in the timeline and my creator has blatantly ignored or simply cannot read the manga, and I am here to tell you all about her and, oh yeah, she survived the crash and she’s over here hanging out with me.”
Vash looked over Mary’s shoulder and, lo and behold, there stood Rem.
Rem waved, “Hey, Vash!”
Mary chattered on, “So I think I should join you on your travels and we should have lots of nonsensical adventures while I save you from situations you’re obviously perfectly capable of getting out of yourself, and you save me when I’m being a lovely damsel in distress, and we should go make Knives be happy and good and probably hook him up with my sister or some stupid shit like that. Okay?”
And Vash asked, “What was your name again?”
“Mary,” she responded, “Mary Sue Johnson.”
And then Vash smiled and said, “I love you.”
So it was that Vash and Mary embarked on their journey, and Rem stayed standing there in the desert waiting for Vash to come back, and they left for the city and walked and walked and walked and stuff.
And they walked for a few days, and there was lots of sand and lots of hot, and then they were in a city, but they didn’t like the city, so they left after a while, and they had lots of sex and stuff like that, and I forgot to write the insurance girls and Wolfwood into this so then they showed up in the city and they all went off and Wolfwood tried to figure out why Vash was being so out of character, but he was too out of character himself to figure anything out, so he just kind of sat there and smoked and stared at the sun until his eyes started to burn…
And they walked.
And then they stepped into a magic portal, and they found themselves in the corridor of a great big building, lined with locked metal cases on either wall, and they stared in confusion.
They were no longer on Gunsmoke.
And they were no longer adults.
“Wait,” asked Wolfwood, “Why the fuck are we in high school?”
And then the chapter ended.
---
So yeah, um… I think at the end of the last chapter, they were in high school because, um, that’s cool. So they were walking down the hall, and everyone was in class, so that the hall was empty and junk like that. But then they turned a corner and, lo and behold, they were not the only ones who had been transported to this strange alternate reality. There against a locker, a boy with short, ultra-light blonde hair had pinned another boy with shaggy blue hair, and they were totally making out. So Vash stared at them, and Wolfwood stared at them, and Mary stared at them. Oh yeah, and the insurance girls were probably there or something. Probably. Whatever.
So anyway, then Legato happened to open an eye and see them and he turned bright red, and then Knives peered over and saw them and he turned bright red.
“Um,” said Knives, “Well, you see… I was sitting in my evil, dark, scary lair being creepy and plotting all kinds of mean, nasty things and then I was just… here, and I was a teenager. And then Legato was here, too, and he was also a teenager. And… I guess that’s when the hormones kicked in and… um…”
And then Legato grabbed Knives by the arm and dragged him into the janitor’s closet.
So Vash and Wolfwood and Mary gave each other funny looks. And then Vash decided Knives hadn’t had such a bad idea and pinned Mary against the lockers and started making out with her. Wolfwood was really confused as to why Vash was being such a gross, horny asshole and was going to hit them, but then he remembered that he was out of character, so he walked away and probably walked down the hall and then walked straight into a wall and hit it with his face. So then he backed up and tried again, but he just couldn’t get his face through that wall no matter how hard he tried.
And then the insurance girls walked away, and Meryl so totally didn’t give a fuck that Vash was making out with the most beautiful and perfect, amazing woman that she knew she could never be, because she knew Vash was like oh my god so much better off with Mary because Mary was smart and perfect and would take care of him like she never could and also Mary was Meryl’s new best friend so it so totally didn’t matter anyway because she was just that cool. Also, Milly wasn’t angry that Meryl had a new best friend because Mary was also her new best friend. And Mary could have as many best friends as she wanted, because she was all-loving and wonderful and could easily have enough caring for as many best friends as could possibly exist.
Eventually, Vash, like, waited until Knives and Legato were done with the janitor’s closet and then he and Mary went in there and they did all kinds of naughty things my mom won’t let me write about. But then when they got out again, all the classes let out and three girls walked up to Vash, and they were all so perfect and beautiful and smart and all kinds of things, and they had lots of sparkles, too. Probably even more sparkles than Mary! And they all smiled and Mary’s vision was destroyed, and she fell over and Vash didn’t help her get up because he was admiring these three girls’ racks at great length.
“Hi!” said the one in the middle, “You must be a new student! Can I show you around the school?”
“Hi!” said the one on the right, “I’d love to help my friend show you around!”
“Hi!” said the one on the left, “I don’t have a personality!”
“Hi!” said Vash, “You are all wonderful ladies and I would love to go on a tour of the school with you!”
“Okay!” they all said in unison, “And also, Rem is here with us!”
And Vash looked behind them and there was Rem.
And Rem waved and said, “Hey, Vash!”
So Vash waved back and then he walked off with the three girls, leaving Rem standing there in the hallway as the students milled about her.
“So, ladies,” said Vash as he stepped on Mary’s head, because she was, like, still on the ground and stuff, “What are your names?”
“I’m Mary Sue Williams,” said the first.
“I’m Mary Sue Smith,” said the second.
“I’m Mary Sue Thomas,” said the third.
“Wow, that’s a really common name nowadays, huh?” asked Vash.
“Like you wouldn’t believe!” said Mary Sue Smith.
So the three Mary Sues showed Vash around the school and he saw the classrooms and the teachers and his brother making out with Legato in the hallway and some other stuff and lots of school-like stuff and probably some students and some other crap and stuff. And Mary Sue Johnson got up off the floor and glared down the hallway.
“This means war,” she growled, and her eyes glowed bright neon pink! OMFG and there were more sparkles than EVER!
Then Vash had a class to go to because obviously he was a registered student in the school he’d just arrived in, and he was in class with all three of the Mary Sues and he sat with them and checked them out like completely THE WHOLE TIME. And Vash couldn’t do any of the work because of course Vash is really and completely as stupid as he acts. And his teacher hated him because he was stupid. And then Knives was also in his class and Knives was SO SMART and Knives got everything right because he is that smart and then they decided Knives was so smart that he could have his diploma and leave but then Knives decided that he couldn’t just leave because Legato was still in high school.
And after class in the hallway everyone asked Knives why he was going to stay, because Legato was graduating soon anyway and would catch up and then Knives told them that he couldn’t leave and go to college or anything because he was going to marry Legato.
“But you’re only a teenager!” said Vash, “…I guess… at the moment.”
And then tears welled up in Knives’ eyes, “But I’m pregnant with his child!”
And then Vash puked, and all the Mary Sues squealed and gathered around Knives and started putting their hands on his stomach and making strange squeaking noises and giggling.
So then also the insurance girls came by and said something that was probably stupid and everyone laughed at them, and they were sad that they couldn’t be as cool as the Mary Sues but they also still loved the Mary Sues because they were also their best friends now, and everyone always liked the Mary Sues and wanted to be their friends because no matter how much cooler they were than you, they were still just so cool that you totally couldn’t be mad at them for it.
Anyway, so Vash finished puking and decided that something didn’t seem right with the situation, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Then, suddenly, Wolfwood stopped walking into the wall repeatedly and ran over to them.
“But you’re a guy!” he screamed at Knives.
“…yes?” Knives stared at him.
“Men don’t get pregnant!” Wolfwood growled, “None of what’s going on makes any sense at all!”
“…I do.”
“HOW?”
“Well, Wolfwood,” Knives began with an air of wisdom in his voice, “When two boys love each other very much-“
“SHUT UP! That’s not what I mean,” the priest-turned-teenager was obviously about to strangle Knives.
“…then what do you mean?” asked a confused Knives.
“You’re… you don’t have a… you can’t carry a baby!”
“I can too! I can hold it in my arms, and besides, it isn’t even born yet so why should I have to carry it? You’re stupid!”
“No, you’re stupid! Where is it going to come out?”
Knives stared at Wolfwood.
Wolfwood glared at Knives.
“The same place Legato put his-“
And before Knives could finish his sentence, everyone screamed and puked.
I'll put some more up later. Now I must go to school! *dons cape and flies off*
(date: 2005-02-21 time: 7:41 a.m.)
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tag, hag.
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